A Gentle Whisper

Oh My Goodness, I love acting. I remember as a child wanting to be in every school play! I could barely stand the anticipation of being old enough to compete on the high school drama team. It was thrilling, even a rush, to take on a personality and present a story in a way that would bring emotion to the audience.

When I got to college I decided I wanted to work with drama and the arts in worship. The church I attend has an amazing children's program. They come up with tons of creative ways to teach kids about Christ! I bring all of this up because it relates to being limited on what I can and can't do, and how God uses limitations to teach me. This Easter the children's programming is doing a play called "Scooby Doo and the Mystery of Easter." Well, let it be known that I  am a big fan of Scooby Doo, especially Daphne. So, when I was asked if I could be a part of the play, (an opportunity to act and worship by ministering to children) of course I said NO.

I felt crushed. It's been a hard week and I have been uninvolved at church in what feels like forever. I looked at my calendar to see if I could make the practices, and then I thought about how unpredictable my health is. Tears started to roll. My husband asked me if I could see anything that God may be doing in this situation. I did not want to explore this, but felt pressed to none the less.

As, I was thinking and kind of trying to pray (didn't really want to) the story of Elijah and God's gentle whisper came to my mind. You can read about it in 1Kings 19:1-18. Quick summary…God had just done an amazing miracle on Mt. Carmel and showed the prophets of Baal who was the one true God. But Elijah quickly got scared when he heard the queen was going to come after him and kill him. So he ran and hid. God came to Elijah and asked why he was hiding then he told him to stand on the mountain and watch for him. The wind came and tore the mountain apart, then an earthquake, and after that fire; God was not in any of them. But, after the fire, came a gentle whisper and Elijah felt the presence of God.

This reminded me of something that happened almost exactly a year ago. God gave me a gentle whisper and it has been a constant comfort to me. I had gone to a retreat for adoptive moms and was having time in prayer. I kept envisioning God's arms around me and when I opened my bible I turned to Isaiah and the scripture before me was 40:11, "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." Almost immediately after this a woman came up to me, asked if I had a tattoo on my back (Yep, I do). She felt God telling her to let the woman with the hidden tattoo know that, "God sees her."

Today, as I started to feel sorry for myself I was reminded that God is in the gentle whisper. He has promised to carry me in his arms and that he sees me. No matter what place you are in, God sees you too. You will find him in the gentle whisper.

Looking Back - The Beginning

When I was young and a runner I learned quickly that if I wanted to do well in the race it was best to never look behind me, because it always slowed me down. If I wanted to win I needed to keep my eye on the goal, the finish line. I have found that looking forward and be focused on a goal has been a useful lesson in many areas of my life, but I have also learned that it is not always applicable.  As, someone who is grateful to just be walking, looking back is one of the most helpful things I can do. Remembering where my health was a year ago and the strides in recovery I have made, brings me hope. So, as I lay here in bed having had several very challenging days in a row, looking back is exactly where I am going to begin this blog. My hope is that it will be informative and encouraging to you in your walk with lyme.

It was the summer of 2012, I clearly remember saying to my husband one day, "I am so tired and just don't have any energy, so I think I need to stop eating sugar." He laughed and replied that instead of cutting out sugar I might want to try working out. Ugghhh, I did NOT like working out, but I thought I would give it a try. I joined Jazzercise and for a couple of months I felt better. This new energy was short lived as the fatigue got worse and worse, to the point that Jazzersizing no matter how fun it had proved to be, was no longer an option.

At the time I had 3 small children ages 5 and under, with the youngest having only been home from Ethiopia for about 6 months. I am telling you this because many have said, the fatigue was most likely due to stress of an adoption and the life of being a mother. Honestly, I wondered about the stress and will go into this more later, but the fatigue was completely different than being worn out from chasing kiddos.

I walked around feeling like I had the flu. My muscles began to ache with severe deep penetrating pain. By Fall I wasn't only experiencing pain and fatigue but neuro-symptoms began to surface. My leg would tremor/shake uncontrollably for long periods of time. The skin on my arms and back would get so sensitive that clothes were uncomfortable. The last straw for me was when my little girl would try to give me sweet kisses on my arm and it was so painful that my arm would have a "knee-jerk reaction" and pull away. Not being able to enjoy kisses was not an option for me! I needed help.