"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6
"…In quietness and trust is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15
Anyone who knows me very well would probably describe me as someone who often has a certain amount of anxiety. I believe it frequently takes on the disguise as "drive"; always wanting to be moving or get something done. This can actually seem like a good thing at times, the desire to accomplish goals and see things through, but in reality the anxiety is a lack of rest and contentment.
When I first got really sick and had to go to Barnes Jewish Hospital, my mom got so aggravated with me, because the doctors asked me if I worried a lot and I told them no. My mom knows me pretty well and she knew this was not the full truth. Of course I worry!
The anxiety has been rapidly growing in me the past week. I am so tired of going to doctors and being sick. My attempt to get into the Mayo is because I am tired of going to doctors, being sick, and I can't afford the treatments that are required for Lyme. But here is where the anxiety and worry has started building up in me…what if I don't get into Mayo, what if I do get into Mayo and they ignore my pain or aren't open to Lyme or try to pigeon hole me into a diagnosis because they aren't sure. What if I need to go to this place in Arizona instead of Mayo, because they have been studying and treating Lyme for a decade. What if, what if, what if??????? Let me just tell you I have not been at peace.
So, I was praying last night as I woke up throughout the night the scriptures about anxiety and God's consolation. This morning as I am spending time with God, the two scriptures from my devotional are about trust and quietness. When we trust in God, our creator - the one who knows all things and is in control of all things, the path we should walk becomes straighter and not so curvy. Its the curves in the road that throw me off: like learning to ride a bike and once the corner comes up not knowing how to steer and thus falling to the ground. But trusting in God, letting him steer, my path becomes straighter and less scary. In addition when I allow my mind to be quiet and not filled with the "what ifs" my trust in God can grow and I can be strengthened.
Believe me, even as I write, I am having trouble allowing my mind and heart to be quiet and trust in God. There is a part of me that clings to the worry. Its in my human nature to want to control, get things done and worry about the outcome. Relinquishing these things is what God desires for me and for everyone. To rest in quietness and trust him fully, because he is knows what is best and is in control. A few days ago I asked you to pray about me getting into Mayo, but what I really need prayer for more than anything is that I will be quiet and trust in God.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
With Mayo Please
It is 3:40 AM and I can not sleep. Totally unusual for me; this never happens; when my head hits the pillow I am out. I have been in pain all yesterday, couldn't drive, shaking, grunting tick that I have etc. It was a very hard day. Luckily I have an amazing mother who took me to the appointment I thought I had (I had wrong day, it's not until today) and took care of my kids and myself for the entire day. Super blessed!
I am still uncomfortable, regardless of the fact that I have taken all the medicine I can take and have been laying down for hours now. Usually this medicine knocks me out but for some reason, not tonight. So, I decided to blog. I find it therapeutic and hopefully it helps others too.
The latest news in my life is that I am trying to get into the neurological department at the Mayo Clinic. It is difficult to get into the Mayo. I was denied over a year ago when I tried, but I have regressed drastically since then and just about exhausted my resources here. When I called to ask for an appointment and gave them my history I literally said, "Please do not deny me an appointment. I have 3 kids and it is very difficult to function." It takes about 2 weeks for them to review my case and make a decision on if they will see me.
If you are reading this, please pray. I know God is able to get me in if that is the next step I need to take. I am trying to do my part by calling my doctors and having them contact the Mayo to recommend me. Not sure how much that helps at this point, but like I said, "God is in control."
I decided it was time to go this route by some prodding of friends and doctors. Also, while I believe that ONDAMED and Chinese Herbs with Acupuncture have been beneficial, I am still struggling majorly (I do recommend both of these treatments as alternatives or in conjunction with antibiotics). Plus, as you probably know alternative treatments are not covered by insurance. This makes a tremendous financial burden. I have decided that I can not continue to go further in debt and need to seek out the Mayo. If I am unable to get in; well I don't know what the next step will be but I trust God will show me.
Yes, I have written "trust in God and God is in control" several times in this post. I have really been struggling because I have done everything the doctors have told me to do. EVERYTHING, including seeing a psychiatrist!! That was a nightmare experience I don't care to write about now, but I am not giving up on that avenue either and will try to see another one. I am growing very very weary and the best thing I know to do is to feed my soul with God's promises. He is my rock. My peace. My joy. My deliverer. This is the scripture I have been going over and over this week…
"But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water… It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." -Jeremiah 17:7-8
What a comfort to have God's words to strengthen us. Thanks be to God.
I am still uncomfortable, regardless of the fact that I have taken all the medicine I can take and have been laying down for hours now. Usually this medicine knocks me out but for some reason, not tonight. So, I decided to blog. I find it therapeutic and hopefully it helps others too.
The latest news in my life is that I am trying to get into the neurological department at the Mayo Clinic. It is difficult to get into the Mayo. I was denied over a year ago when I tried, but I have regressed drastically since then and just about exhausted my resources here. When I called to ask for an appointment and gave them my history I literally said, "Please do not deny me an appointment. I have 3 kids and it is very difficult to function." It takes about 2 weeks for them to review my case and make a decision on if they will see me.
If you are reading this, please pray. I know God is able to get me in if that is the next step I need to take. I am trying to do my part by calling my doctors and having them contact the Mayo to recommend me. Not sure how much that helps at this point, but like I said, "God is in control."
I decided it was time to go this route by some prodding of friends and doctors. Also, while I believe that ONDAMED and Chinese Herbs with Acupuncture have been beneficial, I am still struggling majorly (I do recommend both of these treatments as alternatives or in conjunction with antibiotics). Plus, as you probably know alternative treatments are not covered by insurance. This makes a tremendous financial burden. I have decided that I can not continue to go further in debt and need to seek out the Mayo. If I am unable to get in; well I don't know what the next step will be but I trust God will show me.
Yes, I have written "trust in God and God is in control" several times in this post. I have really been struggling because I have done everything the doctors have told me to do. EVERYTHING, including seeing a psychiatrist!! That was a nightmare experience I don't care to write about now, but I am not giving up on that avenue either and will try to see another one. I am growing very very weary and the best thing I know to do is to feed my soul with God's promises. He is my rock. My peace. My joy. My deliverer. This is the scripture I have been going over and over this week…
"But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water… It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." -Jeremiah 17:7-8
What a comfort to have God's words to strengthen us. Thanks be to God.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Thankful for Help
I haven't written much lately and especially on what is happening in my own body. No particular reason beside being busy and and not really loving to blog. I find it much like journaling, which I don't enjoy, only a bit cooler.
That being said, this will be a short post.
Thank you to everyone who is always so willing to help us. Life has not been easy but having others to help offset the load is a gift that I can't tell you how thankful I am for. Prayers, help with my kids, help with my house, help by being a listening ear, help with meals, help with making a room/bath so I can have someone live here at times to assist us, on and on and on. God has blessed our family in so many ways and I am thankful.
"A Friend Loves at All Times" - Proverbs 17:17
That being said, this will be a short post.
Thank you to everyone who is always so willing to help us. Life has not been easy but having others to help offset the load is a gift that I can't tell you how thankful I am for. Prayers, help with my kids, help with my house, help by being a listening ear, help with meals, help with making a room/bath so I can have someone live here at times to assist us, on and on and on. God has blessed our family in so many ways and I am thankful.
"A Friend Loves at All Times" - Proverbs 17:17
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)