Trust & Quietness

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

"…In quietness and trust is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15

Anyone who knows me very well would probably describe me as someone who often has a certain amount of anxiety. I believe it frequently takes on the disguise as "drive"; always wanting to be moving or get something done.  This can actually seem like a good thing at times, the desire to accomplish goals and see things through, but in reality the anxiety is a lack of rest and contentment.

When I first got really sick and had to go to Barnes Jewish Hospital, my mom got so aggravated with me, because the doctors asked me if I worried a lot and I told them no. My mom knows me pretty well and she knew this was not the full truth. Of course I worry!

The anxiety has been rapidly growing in me the past week. I am so tired of going to doctors and being sick. My attempt to get into the Mayo is because I am tired of going to doctors, being sick, and I can't afford the treatments that are required for Lyme. But here is where the anxiety and worry has started building up in me…what if I don't get into Mayo, what if I do get into Mayo and they ignore my pain or aren't open to Lyme or try to pigeon hole me into a diagnosis because they aren't sure. What if I need to go to this place in Arizona instead of Mayo, because they have been studying and treating Lyme for a decade. What if, what if, what if??????? Let me just tell you I have not been at peace.

So, I was praying last night as I woke up throughout the night the scriptures about anxiety and God's consolation. This morning as I am spending time with God, the two scriptures from my devotional are about trust and quietness. When we trust in God, our creator - the one who knows all things and is in control of all things, the path we should walk becomes straighter and not so curvy. Its the curves in the road that throw me off: like learning to ride a bike and once the corner comes up not knowing how to steer and thus falling to the ground. But trusting in God, letting him steer, my path becomes straighter and less scary. In addition when I allow my mind to be quiet and not filled with the "what ifs" my trust in God can grow and I can be strengthened.

Believe me, even as I write, I am having trouble allowing my mind and heart to be quiet and trust in God. There is a part of me that clings to the worry. Its in my human nature to want to control, get things done and worry about the outcome. Relinquishing these things is what God desires for me and for everyone. To rest in quietness and trust him fully, because he is knows what is best and is in control. A few days ago I asked you to pray about me getting into Mayo, but what I really need prayer for more than anything is that I will be quiet and trust in God.